Hello to lots of new subscribers over the summer. Its Simone Davies here from The Montessori Notebook and Jacaranda Tree Montessori.
Ive been on summer break here in Amsterdambut now Im back youllreceivetheseletters every couple of weeks to help you bring Montessori into your homes.
What a summer it has been. I dont get to visit my family and friends in Australia often. So it was an absolute treat to visit them this summer. It means switching the summer for the winter, but Sydney winters are mostly 15 degrees and sunny I can handle that.
Now its Friday and Im getting ready for my classes which start again next week.Ive been painting the shelves and tables to freshen things up; changing activities; puzzling over the perfect tray to use; and giving everything a good clean. Im so looking forward to seeing everyone and meeting some new faces too.
My child wont listen to me 10 tips to turn things around
One of the most difficult things we face as parents is when our kids just dont seem to listen to us. Back in May, I put together 10 tips and shared them on Facebook. With summer behind us, it seems like a good time to put all these together in one place to come back to when our kids are getting tired, when we are rushing to get out the door, and when we generally just want to be reminded of other ways to connect with our children.
So here we go!
1. Show, not tell
Heres one from me that was inspired by a photography video I was watching. Their tip was to move your feet dont rely on your zoom lens; get up and move around to get a better photograph. I see the same with kids. Rather than just giving instructions, get up and show your child. It may take more effort initially, but your child will pick things up quickly.
2. Say one word
I love this one. Instead of nagging them, we can just use one word and they can work out the rest. Great for kids that dont like to be told what to do.
Its also brilliant modelling for your children. My son once said to me, laces. I looked down and I was indeed standing on his shoelace which he was trying to tie. A nice way for him to tell me instead of rolling his eyes at me and saying, Muuuum youre standing on my shoe lace. How am I supposed to get ready?!
3. Write a note [even if they dont read yet]
This tip [and #2] are from thebook that changed the way I parent, How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk by Faber & Mazlich [click here for a summary of the book]. You dont need to cover your house in notes, but if you have a contentious issue and you find yourself nagging or saying no about it a lot, then try a note.
Ive seen people put one on the table which says No climbing; in a hallway where neighbours complain about kids running, saying Use tiptoes; or on a glass cupboard and the note says Fragile touch gently.
I also use this tip to help kids feel heard. If they are having a hard time leaving class, I ask if theyd like me to write a note to remind them for next time. Then Ill write a note, eg, playdough and give it to the to take home. Writing it down that shows Ive heard and it has been acknowledged.Anyone tried this?
4. Think to yourself, where does this come from?
This is a great tip from one of my favourite Montessorians, Pamela Green. Pamela writes,
Ask the question of where does the phrase, My child wont listen come from in ourselves. Where does it resonate from within us, and what is our motivation in stating this about our child. Perhaps they are not listening because we are not connected to them, and maybe jump to our own conclusions about what we feel is behind their actionsI find the questions I am sometimes asking of others really are questions or statements that can be used for my own self-reflection.
Parenting can indeed become a spiritual journey.
5. Allow time to process
I am always shocked when I stop and count to 10 in my head after making a request from my kids, just how many urges I have to repeat myself in that short period of time. And by the time I get to 8 or 9 in my head I see them starting to respond. No nagging required. Its brilliant.
Do NOT underestimate the power of allowing some time for them to process what you have said and transition.
6. Be funny
So easy, but so often overlooked. Kids love to be silly. Maybe leaving the house or the park could be lightened by using humour.
My older kids still respond well to me saying 10 minutes bakers! as they get ready for school a reference to those cooking shows like Great British Bake Off. Otherwise its easy for them to feel rushed and get snappy instead.
7. Get heart to heart
I love this idea from Sveta Pais [and Carrie Schepens] via our Facebook page first connect, then redirect.
We help them to calm, at their level, with our whole body listening. Then redirect if needed in an age appropriate way and depending on the reason, eg, are they tired, hungry, needing to move etc. Rather than reaching for an iPad or offering a cookie
8. Break it into steps
This tip was mentioned in two comments on our Facebook page in this series by Marian Blevin and Andy Lulka. And it really helps kids hear us.
Lets look at our request and break it into manageable steps. Rather than lets tidy the room, the first step might be, lets start with the lego.
Are you asking too much from your children? Lets break it into steps.
9. Try working with rather than doing to
Number 9 is one big SHIFT thats worth trying. Its based on the idea of working with your children rather than doing to from the work of Alfie Kohn. It doesnt mean the kids are in charge. But what I love about this approach is that everyone can get their needs met.
Imagine an afternoon where the kids want to play and their parent wants to pick up groceries for dinner. We could bribe them [doing to] saying we can go to the park if they are good at the supermarket. Or we can make a subtle shift where everyone gets their needs met by making a plan together [working with].
Id like to pick up some things from the shops and youd like to go to the park. How can we make that work do you think? They agree to first go to the shops, then go to the park. The same result except in the second case, the child is involved and therefore more likely to cooperate without feeling bribed or manipulated.
This method involves honesty and cooperation in place of surreptitiously making kids do what we want. It doesnt happen overnight. But your kids will learn that they are also valued members of the family.
10. Can they hear me?
Saving my favourite until last from Andy Lulka
Can they hear me? Meaning physically, yes, but also emotionally, developmentally and psycho-socially. Often, changing our method of instruction, the way we say it, whether we are making eye contact, or tactile contact, the words we use, our sentence structure, can make a big difference. And quite often, what we are asking is not realistic, so even if they can hear us, they cant really hear us.