Becoming a better listener

“I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.”
Ernest Hemingway

“Nature gave us one tongue and two ears so we could hear twice as much as we speak.”
Epictetus

One social habit that I used to be quite bad at was to truly listen when other people spoke. I sometimes zoned out. I got distracted or my attention started to wander before they were done talking.

Or I just waited for my turn to talk again [while thinking about what I should say next].

Not very helpful. So things had to change.

This week I’d like to share 10 simple tips that helped me – and still help me – to become a better listener.

I hope they will help you and your relationships too.

1. Keep in mind: Listening is win/win.

Many may not listen that well because they think they don't get much out of it personally.

But the better you listen, the better they will listen to you.  And the better and deeper the relationship will be.

If you focus on understanding him or her and on giving value based on that then you'll get the same thing back.

This reminder has been a powerful motivator for me to become a better listener.

2. Tell yourself that you’ll tell someone else about this conversation later on.

One of the best ways to remember something better is to know that you are going to tell what you learned to someone else.

Then you'll be more alert, naturally start asking more questions to understand and what is said – in my experience – simply seems to stick better.

Plus, you’ll stop focusing so much on what to say next and so the conversation tends to flow better.

3. Keep the eye-contact.

Looking everywhere except at the person talking can make it seem like you are not listening. And then the conversation suffers.

So keep the eye-contact. I found it easier to start doing this more often when I:

  • Took it step-by-small-step and improved my eye-contact time in conversations over the span of a few months.
  • Focused my gaze at just one of the other person’s eyes at time.

4. Keep that smart phone away.

Browsing the internet on your phone or your computer while trying to listen usually leads missing some part of the conversation and to the person talking feeling like he or she is not listened to.

So put that phone down while listening if you don’t need it to check something or write something down as a part of the conversation.

5. Summarize what was said.

I have found that taking a few seconds to summarize what someone just said – like a longer segment about what happened at work or in a relationship – makes it a lot easier to make sure I’ve understood what happened.

As I say that summary out loud the other person can adjust or correct my understanding and so I can add my perspective, thoughts or questions in a better way based on that rather than my assumptions about what happened and of how the other person’s experienced this situation.

Or I can take some kind of action based on what they actually meant and not what I thought they meant [for example in a work setting where a misunderstanding could lead to frustration and time lost if you misunderstand].

6. Ask instead of trying to mind-read.

Reading someone’s mind is quite difficult. Most of the time impossible. Still, so many of us have tried to do it and started conversations based on that too many times.

So when you feel an impulse to assume and mind-read stop that and start being curious and ask open-ended questions.

Going for this kind of question instead of the ones where the other person can just answer a yes or a no will help him/her to open up and to start explaining and sharing what is going on.

7. Get some fresh air and/or exercise.

Few things make it so hard to follow along in a conversation as a tired and foggy head.

Two things that can keep that energy and mental clarity up are to open a window or to take a walk outside to get both some exercise and some fresh air.

Exercising regularly a bit more intensely a few times a week also makes it easier to fully be there when you want to and need to listen.

8. When you listen, just listen.

Don’t interrupt. Don’t jump in with solutions [this one can be a hard one in my experience].

Just be present in the moment and listen fully to what the other person has to say and let him or her speak until the entire message is said.

Sometimes that is also all that’s needed. For someone to truly listen as we vent for a few minutes and figure things out for ourselves.

9. Be honest about your current limitations.

If you’re in a rush or feel very tired or stressed out let the other person know.

If you have listened for long while and your mind has hit its limit and starts to wander and you need a break and maybe something to eat say that too.

It is better for the both of you to be honest and to continue the conversation later on rather than trying to fake undivided attention or to try to keep the listening up when you honestly just can’t.

10. Share what you have done in a similar situation.

When asked for advice while listening or when it seems appropriate – not when the other person just needs to vent and get things out – share what you have done in the same situation or a similar one and what worked well for you.

That gives a lot more weight to your input than just random advice or opinions about what you think could work.

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Henrik Edberg is the creator of the Positivity Blog and has written weekly articles here since 2006. He has a bachelor’s degree in journalism from the University of Gothenburg and has been featured on Lifehack, The Huffington Post and Paulo Coelho’s blog. Click here to learn more…

From improved relationship satisfaction to enhanced empathy, research shows that active listening is a life skill worth mastering. Here’s how to train yourself to be a better listener.

Restate

When you repeat facts or important details back to someone, it sends a clear message that you’re picking up what they’re putting down.

For example, “So, then what happened after John called you back?”

Summarize

After your conversation partner is done telling a story, find a way to thread the details together, then ask to make sure what you heard is accurate.

It may sound something like, “It sounds like you’re frustrated because your boss dismissed your idea, am I hearing that correctly?”

Minimal encouragers

According to a 2016 study, minimal encouragers can help signal your interest.

Minimal encouragers include actions like:

  • making direct eye contact
  • having open body language
  • carrying an engaged facial expression
  • nodding your head

Minimal encouragers also include employing a few verbal reactions, like:

  • “Wow.”
  • “Mmhmm.”
  • “Really?”
  • “I see.”
  • “Then what?”

Reflect

To help someone feel heard, you can think of yourself as a mirror. Reflect back to them that you’re taking their words as seriously as they are.

For example, “I can see that what happened at your work meeting today was really important to you.”

Give feedback

It’s best practice to ask permission to give guidance, such as, “I have a suggestion about how to go about this. Are you open to feedback?”

If you get a green light, you could share your observations about the situation and how you’ve handled something similar in the past.

If the other person says they don’t want your feedback, you can respond by thanking them for their honesty and moving on.

Name the core emotion

You might be able to suss out an underlying emotion to better understand what might be going on with the person you’re talking with.

Psychologist Robert Putchick designed an eight-pronged wheel of foundational emotions and the sentiments that branch out from each. It’s still being studied and updated today.

Identifying someone’s emotion when they’re communicating might look like this:

If a friend tells you a date didn’t show up, you might try, “You sound pensive, my friend. I hear you expressing some annoyance. If that happened to me, I’d be a bit angry and sad.”

If given the opportunity, probe

If appropriate, you may find it useful to dig a little deeper by asking open-ended questions or hypotheticals. For example, “What will you say if they offer you the job tomorrow?”

To show that you’re on the same wavelength, you can express how much it means to you that someone opened up.

It could sound like, “I know this wasn’t easy to talk about. It means a lot to me that you feel comfortable enough to share this.”

Employ the pregnant pause

Rather than jumping into a response after someone finishes speaking, soak in what you just heard. Try taking one mindful breath before you begin a sentence.

Silence

One mouth, two ears: This age-old adage exists for good reason.

Instead of being concerned about how you’re going to respond, focus on what the other person is saying.

‘I’ statements

Have you ever had someone “should” on you? It doesn’t exactly feel warm and fuzzy. You may walk away feeling criticized, judged, or blamed — none of which spell good communication.

To avoid falling into a “you should this” or “you should try that” expectations and judgments trap, you can lean on “I” statements instead.

Redirect

If things start to go on a tangent, you may gently redirect the person you’re speaking with. You could try this: “Before we move on, can we back up and talk about that other thing?”

Repeat back patterns, but let them draw a conclusion

Sometimes, active listening involves noticing patterns or parallels. You may find it useful to gently point out a past scenario — if it’s relevant. Be sure to keep it open-ended, though, so the person you’re talking with can do the heavy lifting.

For example: “I remember you saying something similar the last time you got back together. What happened after you moved back in with him?”

Some open-ended, thoughtful questions can deepen a conversation.

With that said, it’s important that the person you’re speaking with doesn’t feel like they’re in a job interview — or on the witness stand. Here’s how to find that careful balance.

Open-ended questions

These kinds of questions move beyond “yes” or “no” territory.

Reflective questions

We all absorb information differently, depending on our personal biases and filters. To avoid communication gaffes, take the time to double-check what you’re hearing.

Before you respond, slow down and be mindful about the words you choose and how you phrase your questions.

Leading [presumptive] questions

A leading question includes your bias in a subtle way. It can make the exchange more about confirming your opinion than the speaker’s unique viewpoints.

If you’re not careful, these questions can come across as judgmental.

Yes or no [closed-ended] questions

While brief, closed-ended questions don’t exactly motivate someone to keep speaking.

In the age of distractions, active listening is both an art form and a vital skill to learn.

As a cardinal rule, you might think of yourself as a mirror. You can do your best to focus on what the person is saying, then reflect important details and emotions back to them, instead of focusing on your response.

The qualities of a good listener include compassion, empathy, and patience. You can try asking open-ended questions and avoiding giving unsolicited advice. If you must offer guidance, you can do so gently.

By practicing these tactics, you can learn how to be a better listener in no time.

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