Speaking more and listening less

Last Updated: December 11, 2021 References Approved

This article was co-authored by Tasha Rube, LMSW. Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work [MSW] from the University of Missouri in 2014.

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1. 1
   Speak only when it's important. Before you speak, ask yourself if what you're saying is truly important. You should avoid talking when you're not really contributing to the conversation.[1]

   • People tend to listen to those who choose their words carefully. Someone who's always sharing their opinion or telling stories may lose people's interest with time. If you have a tendency to talk too much, you may find yourself constantly sharing information unnecessarily.
2. 2
   Avoid speaking to fill empty space. Oftentimes, people speak to fill empty space. You may find yourself speaking in professional situations, such as work or school, to ease your anxiety about silence. Sometimes, silence is okay and you do not need to talk just to fill space.[2]

   • For example, if you and co-worker are in the break room at the same time, you do not have to make small talk. If your co-worker does not seem interested in talking, they may not be in the mood for social interaction.
   • In this case, it's okay to offer a polite smile and let the silence happen.
3. 3
   Think about your words carefully. If you talk too frequently, you may say the first thing that comes to mind without filtering yourself. Learning to speak less means learning to think about your words. Before saying something, try to think about the words you're going to say ahead of time. This may help you learn to keep certain things to yourself, leading you to speak less overall.[3]

   • People often reveal information they'd rather keep private through speaking too much. When you think of something you want to add, especially if it's something very personal, pause. Remember you can always share new information later, but you can never make information private again once you've shared it.
4. 4
   Be aware of time when you speak. Having a rough sense of how long you've been talking can help you speak less. In general, after about 20 seconds of speaking you're at risk for losing the listener's attention. After this point, tune in to the listener. Look for any cues they're losing interest.[4]

   • Watch body language. The listener may fidget or check their phone if they're getting bored. Their eyes may also begin to wander. Try to wrap it up within the next 20 seconds and give the speaker a chance to share.
   • In general, try not to talk for more than 40 seconds at a time. Any longer than this may make the listener feel irritated or talked over.
5. 5
   Think about whether you speak out of anxiety. People often talk too much due to underlying social anxiety. Pay attention to when you're talking a lot. Do you feel anxious? If so, work on coping in other ways.[5]

   • When you find yourself speaking too much, pause and evaluate your mood. How are you feeling? Are you feeling anxious?
   • You can do things like count to 10 in your head or take deep breaths if you're anxious. You can also try giving yourself a pep talk before social events. Remind yourself that it's okay to be nervous, but you should relax and try to have fun.
   • If social anxiety is a major problem for you, see a therapist to address it.
6. 6
   Avoid speaking to impress others. In work situations especially, people tend to talk too much to impress others. If you notice you talk a lot, think about whether you're trying to show off.[6]

   • If you tend to talk too much to impress others, try to remind yourself others will be more impressed by what you say than how much you say.
   • Instead of going overboard talking about yourself, reserve your input for moments when you can contribute something valuable to the conversation.

1. 1
   Focus only on the speaker. When in a conversation, do not look at your phone or glance around the room. Do not think about things like what you're going to do after work or eat for dinner that night. Direct your attention solely on the speaker. This will help you listen better, as you'll focus on what's being said.[7]

   • Keep your eyes on the speaker most of the time. If you find other thoughts creeping in, remind yourself to return to the present and listen.
2. 2
   Maintain eye contact. Eye contact shows you're paying attention. Meet the person's eyes as they talk. Eye contact conveys that you're paying attention and present. A lack of eye contact can come off as rude or disinterested.[8]

   • Electronic devices, like cell phones, can often demand our attention, especially if they make noise or give off notifications. Keep your phone in your purse or pocket when talking to someone so you're not tempted to look elsewhere.
   • Eye contact can also let you know if you're boring someone else. If someone breaks eye contact while you're speaking, you may be talking too much. Pause and give the speaker a turn.
3. 3
   Think about what the speaker is saying. Listening is not a passive act. While the speaker talks, it's your job to listen to what they're saying. Try to withhold judgment while you do so. Even if you disagree with what's being said, wait your turn to speak. Do not think about how you'll respond while the speaker is talking.[9]

   • It can help to try to picture what's being communicated. Create images in your mind that represent what the speaker is saying.
   • You can also try to latch on to key words and phrases while the speaker talks.
4. 4
   Clarify what the speaker is saying. In any conversation, it will eventually be your turn to share. Before doing so, however, make it clear you were listening. Paraphrase in your own words what the speaker said and ask any questions you have.[10] Do not repeat what the speaker said verbatim. Just rephrase your understanding of what they said. Also, keep in mind that active listening is meant to help you pay close attention to the speaker and let them know you are listening. Do not use active listening as a way to interject or make your opinions known.

   • For example, say something like, "So, you're saying you are stressed about the upcoming office party."
   • Then, follow up with a question. For example, say, "Where do you think this stress is coming from? Do you want to talk about that?"
   • Make sure to be empathetic and non-judgmental as you listen to the speaker. You can express respect and validate their position without giving up your own position.

1. 1
   Express yourself when necessary. Do not take speaking less to mean not asserting and expressing yourself. If you have a serious concern, or an opinion you feel is important, do not hesitate to speak up. Part of speaking less is knowing when it is valuable to share.[11]

   • For example, if you're going through a serious problem in your personal life, it's okay to share with others if you need support.
   • It's also important to share if your opinion could be valuable. If you, say, have a strong opinion about something at work, it can be beneficial to share with your boss and co-workers.
2. 2
   Do not overdo eye contact. Eye contact is important. However, constant eye contact can come off as too intense. People do tend to associate eye contact with confidence and attentiveness, but overdoing it may make you appear distrustful. It's appropriate to hold someone's eye contact for about 7 to 10 seconds and then look away for a moment.[12]

   • Eye contact may also be less appropriate in certain cultures. Asian cultures may find eye contact disrespectful. If you're meeting someone from a different culture, make sure to read up on social etiquette surrounding eye contact.
3. 3
   Keep an open mind when listening. Everyone has opinions and their own sense of what's right and normal. When you're listening very attentively to another person, they may sometimes say things you take issue with. However, while you're listening, it's important to keep judgment behind. If you find yourself making judgments about someone, pause and remind yourself to focus on the words. You can analyze information later. When listening, just focus on the speaker and leave judgment behind.[13]